I find it is a bit
difficult for me to keep the few readers I do have interested. I do want this
blog to be about my year away, obviously. Unfortunately I am not on that year
away yet, like I’ve said in previous blog posts I am in the application
process. Which is why the last few blog posts have been about life in general
and not about actually going to Europe. Because I want to post, and I want to
share my thoughts with you guys, I’ve just been lacking any development in the whole "quest to Durham." Thankfully, I am in the final stretch of my application process and as
discussed in an earlier blog post I had my final interview and I am now merely waiting
for a response. If you read my last post you’ll know that I have had mixed
feelings about how my interview went. There are times when I am three thousand
percent sure I’ll be in the UK next year, and other times I prepare for another
boring year in Canada. Today is special however, (although not necessarily in a good way) as my obsessive attitude toward going on exchange reached an all
time high. No, I haven’t received any new information about going on exchange,
and if you were hoping for that I deeply apologize. Instead, two of my high
school friends announced today that they have been accepted to study abroad and
it lit of fire of jealousy and anguish under me. Now its not as if this affects
me in anyway, they go to a different university than I do, and their school
probably has different agreements of, and methods for ensuring an exchange. Basically,
their school is just ahead of mine in the sending kids to the UK game, and that annoys me. Still I
am irrevocably jealous. I too want to be able to know so early on what my
exchange future holds. I’m just jealous that they know so early and it is still
an expected week or so until I find out.
Its just so frustrating
because I’ve basically been preparing for my exchange since the first day of
classes in my second year and I still have zero idea of what is in the cards
for me. For the most part I’ve told myself I will be in Europe. Not because I
think my interview went well, not because I think I’ll be able to make the
grades I need to, but mostly because I really want to. My confidence in going on exchange is based
solely on wishful thinking. If I say it enough, it will happen. Right? Honestly, I need it to
happen, I am totally and completely invested in the idea of going
away. The amounts of sacrifices I’ve made to go on this exchange are
incredible. The social events and parties I’ve missed out on, the extra shifts
at work I’ve taken to ensure I have enough money saved up, the long commuting
hours I’ve endured so that I wouldn’t live in the city where I study so I could
minimize my expense. All of these things
were done with the idea of exchange being the reward. Sadly, this means that if I don’t get into the exchange program I’ll feel as if all of these
sacrifices will have been for nothing. I’ll feel as if an entire year of my
life will have been wasted. With each passing day it becomes a heavier thought,
will I go? Will I not go? I just want to
know. Its like I want to skip this entire middle part of my story and just read
the final chapter. Make way for the sequel. The European sequel.
I just want to know… I
just need to go.
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